Feeling down to the earth

It's October-Suppose to be the best month of the year.

But this 2007 October, I feeling down. Really down. The feeling that unexplainable. Many things happened in my life that I can hardly feel relax.

The every single moment when I'm at home, the painfulness is the only thing I saw. I pray to the god in my house, I look at her eyes, I plead not to let grandma cough anymore. I cant take it. It's the same like I cant breath anymore. I tired of everything. This kind of feeling is waiting.........waiting for something to happen. Even my dog shows the same kind of eye contact to me. The whole house is solemn yet we showing our happiness on the surface. Every night, It's the coughing that grow endless tears in my eyes. Every morning, it's the coughing that made me worried for the rest of the day at work. She's getting into her bones.....her skin had all gone. My heart is falling apart nearly everyday. One thing that could keep me going is him. Thanks for being so supportive & trust in me. I'm feeling extremely down tonight. Many things is unexpected & I know it's not right to do this & that now.... But as I said...it's all uncontrollable. I dont wish anyone to blame me especially grandma. I plead her forgiveness for all the things she think I've done wrong. I dont want myself to live with regrets. I just want to see the smile & normal her. Not the weakness & coughing!!!! Please.................. how to get rid of these?

I promised myself to bring her on the plane this Nov. I wont let her down. Is there something like God of Health? aAAAarrgghhhhhhh

Whatever happens to joey, I'll be there too. He's a good person & why so much problems. Pls take good care. I give my whole life to u.

I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE. IM SO SADDDDDDDDDDD