Mixed Feelings

My dear champ: when will u stop treating me prata poos poos & saltish smelly liquid all over?

There was this 1 day, when I came from work & sch, I vented my anger on this little thing. I know it was very wrong of me to do that. I hitted her real hard non-stop for giving me all these shits. Im really tired of her. Im outta control. Gone bonkers!!! I let it out. I cried out loud for 15mins after abusing her. I felt so lost out of sudden & thought of Grandma again. I wished I would had made her vanished this very moment yet I knew it would be the most stupid thing to do the very nxt moment. I detested her. I hate her for making me so exhausted everyday for cleaning her poos poos & urine for 45mins. It was never easy & had last for many years EVERY F* DAY… imagine aft an unhappy day @ work + tiring night in sch, coming back home was NEVER a comfortable thing for me & u saw the most ever dirtiest & disgusting thing that she created. Her 10 fingers were stucked w the dry “fertilizers” & I’ve to clean real hard to get rid of it. I really don’t what should I do to stop all these filthy craps. Joey said if we hit her, it was like hitting a handicapped human. A super wrong thing to do. YES! I agreed. Hitting her was the last thing to do on earth…but I think nobody would know how it feels….. it’s like picking yr beloved’s shit & spread it all over yr own hse together w every footsteps of wet smelly fluid!@#$%^&* I began to hate my hse more while hoping she wouldnt be alive when my new hse comes. I sounded so immoral. No, I wasn’t. She was blind now. Everything had changed. She’s not the usual her..she deteriorating each day & the reason why I cried is b’cos to-date was the 15 yrs + 6 mths she’s living alone with me. Grandma & I brought her back since her day one. I played with her, I brought her to jogging, I brought her to stroll the park, I fed her fav. treats, I made dinner for her everyday, I bathed her, I cleaned her poos poos & urine, I slept with her, I hug her tight when thunder came, I took over grandma’s duty & do her everything since..We can’t live w/o each other. Like a child that I saw her losing her strength each day. Angry + Hurt;Sad = Mixed Feelings (everday@home..)

She used to slp on the sofa @ night, never ever now. she is like a sticky glue & taken over ¾ of either 1 of our bed. She lost her security & sleep like a darling with part of her attach to me.

The only thing I know I can remain calm each day is to remember how she slp beside me every nite with that peaceful & sweet look..

p/s: I don’t want to keep a bad memory of her. Hope this last.