Hatred & Hurt.

It's 2:47am -- I can’t take it anymore. Grandma is driving me to the nuts!!!!!!!!!! Luckily not another word from her if not, i would say “Ok. I will just jump down from this building". I wish to end all these miseries. Looking at how she suffered alone, suffered from cancer, my heart so hurts.....yet she can still yell @ me unreasonably. My heart really sank to the core. Nobody knows except Joe.

Came home 2:00am -- Lights were off till i got a big shock (before reaching home. already suffering from gastric & predict confirm will get scolding as usual) She sat there in the dark quietly & its lunar 7th month. MIND HER! I can’t help but to defend myself from explaining. I hate her yet.............I can’t afford to lose her. Why is she so stubborn? Whose logic which 7th month can’t come home late? I’m watching "The Lake House" midnight show. She called times & times shouting at me. I used to it. It's ok. The more she shouts the more my heart sore. I was always scolded for nothing.

Joe said just explain to her you are working MON-SAT & only trying to relax after so much hard work on weekends. Exactly, i need to destress..i work & work... for the goddamn sickening low paid of 1.3k. Returning only 1k after contributing to govt. I gave her 300bucks allowance. I earn so hard for my expenses all these years. In the end what do I get? Farking retarded hurting words from her mouth? She's old, i understand. She can scold me & despise my doings I can tolerate. She can insult me & shout in the middle of the night I can treat as she's venting her anger for me causing her to be like that. What did i exactly do wrong? <-Always ask myself? My heart is getting weaker for scolding. I felt like an idiot. Why do i deserve all these shits? I’m just a pathetic orphan in her eyes yet she can yell like nobody business. Getting to slp after that. Left me alone to cry in the middle of the night. I can’t take it anymore.

She said why I come home so late; cause her also slp so late? Seriously, there's a big gap between grandma & me. Many things can’t explain as simple to her. Elderly just love to think they are old, time to die, stubborn, so many no-logic reasons (7th month got ghost coming to haunt me). What else? Do I need to explain I’m 22 this yr? All these while the way I treat her is all waste? I been so independent & earning money & getting the precious diploma? I've grown up!!!!!!! I’m simple-minded but I know what's going on in my life! I'm not the useless soul out there doing nothing.

"I've waste my money & time to bring u up!!""go be a prostitute if you like to come home so late!!""you think this is a hotel!!""you don’t talk back!!!""u like to stick with man just go with him, go married lah, just give me 3k!!!!!" AAaaaaaaaaaaaaarrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I’m so hurt I can’t tolerate this shit anymore. I wana say “I will jump down right now!"

Yet, she can forget her harsh words after scolding me. Usually cold-war @ home last few days. I’m dead angry. She's asleep now. I forgive her as always. If she's gone, she will never understand my reasons. She's always right.

My dearest, I know you always felt hurt for me. Shall i apologize first.... I don’t wish things to turn out like this always. I know it’s unfair to you but grandma really have no ill-intention. It's a form of traditional for old people to scold their love ones. Especially her. She always shows her braveness & cannot lose her words to others. Just bear with her & it will be ok. I’m sorry. It's just happened to often & I need to vent out my anger here. U knows I always will be ok after a sleep. I love you, promise.

3:12am--I’m tired. Goodnight.